I am in the middle of a drawn out divorce... Her father and I were married for a (very) short period of time before we both realized, our personalities bring out the absolute worst in each other. Of course, the process that lead up the to the realization, was not so neat and clean. Over the past two months (after six months of NOTHING), he has finally started paying child support and making an effort to be more involved. We live in different states, but he video chats with her often... I am holding out hope that this change in him will last, I want Adeline to know her dad.
Dean is 3.5, he's my best buddy. :) He has been a joy and a challenge to have, he has been consistently developmentally delayed; struggles with both gross and fine motor skills, and has been behaviorally difficult since about 15 months... On the other hand; when he learns, he learns fast. Up until about two months ago he refused to go potty, now Dean is 90% (not nighttime) potty-trained. He didn't speak until he was two, even then it was single words; when he turned three, he started linking two-three word phrases; then around September he really started talking, now he speaks like any child his age. He's also very intelligent; letters, numbers, colors, shapes, etc.. And sososo affectionate. He's such a lovey kid, I wouldn't trade that for anything! <3 I find that with each passing week, his behavior improves; the light at the end of the tunnel makes me hopeful. :)
Dean's father was my first husband. (I know, I know.) AJ is in the Army, he's a medic. He is 31 (Feb, 2), and going to school for his RN. I'm proud of his career advancements. He remarried after we divorced... She is 22, and has two sons (4, 2.5) from a previous marriage. Last summer they had a daughter as well. So now they have 4, 3.5, 2.5 and six months... They live down south, we're in Utah... Guess how much attention Dean gets from his dad!? I tried to be sympathetic, I really did. I can't imagine how out of control his life is with all those kids, work, going to school... And all on one (military) income. It became harder and harder to be sympathetic, as I watched my son get more and more emotional about the whole thing. For now, there has been little to no contact between them; I'm looking forward to AJ rectifying the situation, like he always does...
Ryan is my wonderful boyfriend. (I know what you're thinking... I've thought it myself.) It wasn't my intention to end up in a relationship; but when you meet a guy like him, you don't walk away. Ryan is good to me, he's even better to my kids. He keeps me sane. He's been patient, understanding and kind; all while pushing me to be stronger, to achieve my goals. Since he finally decided he wasn't terrified (haha!) of commitment he's become my best friend and confidant. I love him. :)
Then there's me... :) Since June 2010 when I left Washington to come back to Utah, I've worked full-time (and then some); dropping the kids off at daycare in the morning and picking them up at bed time. I opted out of receiving help from the state, and instead chose to figure it out on my own. I've enrolled in school to become a massage therapist- This will be the year my life changes!
I've had very little help outside of Ryan; my family lives here in Utah but, they're almost completely uninvolved. I rarely speak to them, and see them even less. After living out of state for the better part of eight years, none of us are close; and our personalities clash. My best friend (who I'm on the outs with) lives in Texas, I haven't seen her since 2007 but until a few months ago, we spoke daily (for hours at a time). I miss her terribly; this is the first real argument we've had- ever. My only other long-term, close friend, lives in Maryland... So, without Ryan, my life is fairly lonely.
My biggest fear is becoming my mother; to this point my life has mirrored hers... kids, marriages, divorces... Ugh. She's an alcoholic, she continues to be financially unstable; and a few years ago divorced the man that acted as my dad, after 17 years. We got into an argument over the summer, during it she kept saying I was going to be just like her. I've resolved for that not to be true.
I'm a fighter but, I have days (more often than I'll admit) that I feel incapable, every so often I just want to quit. Every time things get really hard; I walk away from everyone, take a deep breath, and remind myself "this too shall pass". It's what my dad always told me when I cried about my life, it all passes... and life moves forward.
I have so many things that I want to say... Another night, I'm sure...
Till then...
